So the Paper of Record now features tales of a “frequent flier” who tells us things like it’s a bad idea to use in-flight wi-fi to view porn, airports help justify Hermes ties, and Shabbat starts on Friday not Thursday.
Not how my airport column would go.
Were The Gray Lady asking me, I’d try to tell you useful things that save you money, like: “Never volunteer to check your bag, no matter how oversized it is. They’ll make you check it at the gate — for free.”
Or that save you tsuris, like: “Don’t worry about eating the on-board overpriced meal. Yes, it will make you fortzy — but no one can hear over the engine noise.”
Now this makes sense to me
The Bacon Nation — a heretical new Facebook group — now has more “friends” than we do.
This is not a good sign…
I hear France will welcome their invasion.
So, Google is introducing software you can “design yourself.” Like I’m supposed to be excited about this?
I sent my kids to law school so they didn’t have to build anything. Ever.
If I wanted them working with tools and making patterns I’d have stayed on the Lower East Side.
Where's the robot who does all this for me?
Barbara Walters is now Skyping on the view. If Baba Wawa has her usual effect, it’s only a matter of time before my mother’s judgey, judgey face is broadcasting out on the internet.
Children beware — stick to the self-pleasuring pervs of chat roulette.
Real danger is on the way…
If you were shocked by "Shit my Dad says" -- he's got nothing on my mom.
This is no longer a “social networking website” — it’s a monolith hell-bent on global hegemony. Facebook’s new privacy settings require you to understand and fulfill an elaborate series of commands to opt-out of hell. Leave it to Mark Zuckerberg (a Yid) to reinvent Catholicism.
They're watching you... to help you... buy things.
Yes, Jerry Seinfeld has made about a billion dollars off of Yid jokes.
No, you won’t.
This is knowledge that every Jewish parent needs to impart. It is, in fact, the responsibility of every mameh and tateh to shame little Gerald into going to medical school… or dental school… or even podiatry school. He needs a profession!
You should not be filling him with pipe dreams and putting him on YouTube.
Every Jew thinks his kid is a prodigy — even if she eats the non-Kosher paste at school. But pity the poor schlimazel who has to rationalize this daughter. “She’s a fashion celebrity. No, she’s not a model. Or a designer. People throw money and access at her because she acts like a 13-year-old girl. Yes, she’s a 13-year-old girl. No, she still expects me to pay for college.”
And don't get me started on the cost of high-fashion orthodonture...